I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I woke up under a house in Key West
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
