remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Randomize
