Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
