yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
