Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
