I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Randomize
