My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize