Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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