Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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