Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
babies were throwing up all over the place
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
