I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
you traded sex for a burrito?
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
