in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
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