i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
i've created a new STD.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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