Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I deserve this hangover.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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