my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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