My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
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