I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
