She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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