The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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