getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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