I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
