I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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