WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
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