she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
