my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
