If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Randomize
