you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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