Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
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