When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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