I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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