i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
