i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Randomize
