I'm lost and stupid without you.
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
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