She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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