I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
