i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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