M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
