so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
No stitches, just platelets and will power
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Randomize
