Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize