either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
