I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Randomize
