...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
