if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
