So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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