First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
