Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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