Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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