I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
