Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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