Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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