another moral hangover. fuck.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
