I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize