best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
