she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
