Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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