woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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