i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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